When I fight with my hubby, my stomach aches, my head hurts, and I want to cocoon myself somewhere until it goes away. But the issue we are arguing about never goes away without engagement. I tell myself, “This is love, not war.” But it doesn’t feel like the love I recognize when he is mind-bendingly angry with me or when I am so mad I can’t look at him. It feels a lot more like war. So I have to remind myself that conflict is inevitable in every relationship and there is no way over it; no way around it; you gotta go through it! Few things fuel intimacy, connection, and closeness like being seen, being heard, and coming through a storm together. But intimacy also means that you know your partner’s strengths, weaknesses and enduring vulnerabilities…and you cannot exploit that knowledge! John and I have been married for almost 30 years now, which represents a whole bushel of compromise and a truckload full of conflict resolution. When our oldest daughter, Carter, recently got engaged to her longtime boyfriend, it gave me pause to think about what makes for successful conflict resolution. So, this is an open letter to Carter and Patrick about fighting and fighting fair.
Dear Carter and Patrick,
Just what you probably NEVER wanted to receive on a Sunday morning in spring is a message from your mother or mother-in-law about fighting. The bright side is: since I am writing it to you, I won’t feel the need to say it too. Lucky you. LOL. But as I look back on my marriage, the things that worked and the things I wished I could hit the “undo” button on, I realized how many of those things revolved around conflict. Some disagreements turned into arguments but many of them were just disagreements that we were able to resolve and few on which we agreed to disagree. So these are some of the things I think makes for a successful fight…
BEFORE YOU FIGHT
- Remain calm. If you can keep your cool, the other person is more likely to hear what you have to say. And if you are initially calm and then spiral out of control, take a time out.
- If you feel angry, try to locate the source of the anger. Anger is always a secondary emotion. It actually never exists on its own and always has another emotion behind it. Common culprits are sadness, hurt, insecurity, shame, jealousy, and frustration. If you can pinpoint the real emotion you will have a much better chance at successful resolution.
- Make sure you can articulate what is going on from your perspective. Get specific. Get real. Get clear as to what the issue is.
- Probe yourself to make sure the problem isn’t elsewhere. Honest internal searching may show that the problem really lies somewhere else. You may be frustrated because of poor health, anxious about work, or any of a zillion things that are external to the relationship. If you find the problem is external and you are just taking it out on your partner, communication is key!
WHILE YOU FIGHT
- Be fully present and attentive. Yes, that means you should put your phone somewhere that you will not be tempted to look at it.
- Be genuinely curious. Slow down and ask questions. Ask for details. “When did you start feeling this way?” “Has something made it worse?” But be sure you are asking questions to understand the other person’s opinion, NOT to prove a point.
- Respect tears but do not allow them to sidetrack the conversation.
- Remember the Art of The Mulligan. A mulligan is a do-over. Try “I am feeling kind of defensive right now. Could you put that another way?” or “I can tell that did not hit so well. Can I back up and try that again?”
- Be open about what you need. No one can read your mind.
- Propose specific solutions to the problem and invite the other person to do the same. Be willing to compromise. Remember: you are not trying to win but to come to a mutually acceptable solution.
- Deal with one issue at a time, thus avoiding the kitchen sink effect. Do not bring up irrelevant details or other issues until you have worked through the first one. If there are multiple things you need to work through, like checking things off your To Do list, do one before doing the next.
- State the problem clearly from a strong “I” position instead of a “you” position. For example, “I feel worried when you come home late without calling” versus “You make me so angry when you stay out late without calling.” Another example is “I don’t like it when you are sarcastic to me in front of your mom” versus “You are always sarcastic to me in front of your mom.”
- State your case and then LISTEN to their response. You could try restating what you just heard to make sure you understand their position before you respond.
- Use humor where appropriate but never at the other person’s expense.
- Look for common ground. If you can find something to agree on (even if it is very small), it may be the framework for bigger agreements.
- Sometimes saying “We are on the same team here” can reset the whole framework of a disagreement and reminds you that you are teammates and should be working together to come up with the best possible solution.
- Touch your partner when appropriate. Touch can help begin a dialog and many times it can soften a difficult conversation. Use your discretion with this one. Some people, like me, do not respond well to touch during conflict.
- If your fight is going in circles and getting nowhere, stop, regroup and work on a different way to communicate your point. Try not to leave fights unfinished unless you schedule a time to talk about it again. You can temporarily table a fight with grace and dignity by saying something like, “You have given me a lot to think about. Could we table this for now and talk about it tomorrow night?” The one caveat to this is you MUST honor the relationship to bring it up again when you said you would.
AFTER THE STORM:
- Do not waste a fight by not learning anything from it! You can extract information and insight from every disagreement to permit growth personally and within the relationship. After an appropriate time has elapsed, do a “fight autopsy” to figure out what you each did well and devise ways to handle it better next time.
- If/when you reach an agreement, implement changes and be specific about what you are agreeing to modify or improve.
- If you screw up, apologize and don’t do it again!
- If you reach an agreement, CELEBRATE!
With some hard work and frequent communication, I hope you will not need this list very often but I can assure you that at some point, you will disagree, perhaps even really be polarized, but I have faith in you to work through it!
Love,
Robin (aka, Mom)