After I wrote Part 1, I have tried hard to be better at formulating and expressing sincere, and heartfelt apologies. I am much more intentional about apologizing to my loved ones and working hard to avoid the deadly pitfalls. But I would like to restate why I hold these concepts close to my heart. “Social connection is the greatest predictor of long term happiness that we have. Social connection is as predictive of how long you will end up living as obesity, high blood pressure or smoking,” states Shaun Achor in The Happiness Advantage. And although I have a pretty awesome network of friends and family, I do not think that connection or friendships are ever something for which I would hang a “No Vacancy” sign. I will forever want to increase my number of connections and the depth of the current ones, because in my opinion, that is the good stuff. Learning to apologize well and how to battle defensiveness is just part of the way you can protect the good stuff.
Harriet Lerner’s book Why Won’t you Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts emphasizes the profound power of an apology. But there are still some people out there who believe that to apologize is to show weakness. Her research shows the exact opposite; you need a platform of self-worth to be able to apologize. For discussion purposes, let’s say that we all have the necessary belief in our own worth to be able to give and receive an apology. What else could possibly get in the way?
The greatest challenge to giving and receiving apologies is defensiveness. Being defensive is a completely natural part of being alive; in fact we are neuro-biologically wired for it. We are defensive because we want to protect our favorite image of ourselves. So we automatically start to listen for what we do not agree with. We listen hard for the inaccuracies, and the exaggerations when we are in the defensive mode. When John says, “Do you remember me asking you to do that about 7-10 days ago?” Whether I remember or not, if I get defensive and snap back, “So which was it, a week? or ten days? Cause I do not have perfect recall for everything you say a week or more ago,” I am not helping the situation at all. And I am not probing for the actual problem. This scenario is not the time for your inner litigator to come out to play. When you feel like you are being attacked, it is almost impossible to listen carefully to someone else’s hurt, anger, or pain. If you cannot hear their anger and pain, you cannot deliver a true apology. In the end, defensiveness is the arch enemy of connection, of listening, and of intimacy. And in order to get past being defensive and move towards more real and deeper connections, I need a strategy, motivation, and intention to get past it.
Harrier Lerner gives us 8 great tips to be better at non-defensive, whole hearted listening. It is only by listening and getting past our natural defensiveness that we can have better relationships. I share summarized version of her tips below with random doses of robin sprinkled in.
- Recognize when you are being defensive. It is a natural reaction to being criticized but the first step is recognition. One sure sign that you are feeling defensive is when you start to strap on the litigator cape and begin to search for inaccuracies and exaggerations.
- Breathe! Sounds simple but defensiveness starts in the body. Any breathing technique can help whether it is the breathing method you learned in birthing class or in hot yoga or what you use when you meditate. If you can breathe and force your body to slow down, it will help you listen and hear what the other person is trying to tell you. It is impossible to listen with an overheated nervous system.
- Listen only to understand. This is not the time to argue or correct facts, timelines, or other inaccuracies. Save those things to address at another time (if they are even worth addressing later). Look for what you can understand, even if it is a small piece of what they are saying.
- Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand. Very often, criticism is vague like, “You don’t respect me.” Probe them with questions like, “Could you give me an example of that because a concrete example would help me better understand?” or “Is there a specific time when I made you feel like this so I can picture what you are talking about?” This is NOT the time to nitpick. Save your lawyer mode for another day. There is real power in being curious and people tend to soften their stance some if they truly feel like you are trying to understand.
- Find something to agree with even if it is only a tiny portion of what they are saying. If John were to feel like I was not being supportive of his career and I really, truly disagree with him, I could probably find a small piece of what he is saying to agree with him. I could say, “I hear what you are saying and I do agree that the last two times you have had work functions, I have had something else come up or some reason why I could not be there.” If you cannot find anything to agree with, it would be better to go with, “I really appreciate you bringing this up to me. Would you mind if I think about it tonight and we could talk about it over breakfast tomorrow/dinner Tuesday/whenever but be specific?”
- Let the offended party know that they have been heard and you will continue to think about it. This delay is not intended to get you away from them as fast as possible. If you ever use it like that, you erode the trust you have painstakingly built. “I admire your courage in bringing this up to me. I know that was not easy for you. Do you mind if I take some time to process it? And then we can re-group, and talk about it tonight?” The only caveat is YOU HAVE TO INITIATE AND BRING IT UP LATER.
- Thank the critical person for sharing his/her feelings. A simple, “Thank you for telling me how you feel” or “Thank you for sharing that with me. It is important that we have a relationship where we can talk about things” will suffice, provided that you mean it.
- Define your differences (but not while you are in apology mode) while allowing for the other person’s pain/opinion/differences. An example would be, “I am truly sorry if I acted uncaring or not supportive of you. I do support you but hope you can understand that I cannot always be available for your work functions. I will do my best to get there but if I have a work conflict, I am hoping that you will understand that I value my career too.” This part should not be confrontational but intimacy demands that we respect each other’s differences in opinion, even after we have messed up and apologized for something.
Connections are the true gold in our lives and make our lives worth living. And although apologizing is rarely fun, making up usually is! Remember, there are very few things that fuel intimacy, connection, and closeness more than being seen, being heard, and coming through a disagreement with a better appreciation for the other person.