The Non-Negotiable Rules for Fighting

I wish I could say that I have never broken one of my Non-Negotiable Rules for Fighting but the truth is, I have. But every time I violate one of my rules, I regret it and always end up apologizing, sometimes with less than stellar success.  Truth is: arguing with people you love is hard and sometimes you can get stuck. So, while we are quarantined in the house with the people we love the most getting on our very last nerve, I thought it would be a good time to remind you of the rules.

THE NON-NEGOTIABLE RULES

• Do not raise your voice. If you need a minute to get a hold of yourself, take a minute.
• No cussing. “F**k you” has never once helped anyone to win an argument but it has been the prelude to a bunch of divorce court proceedings.
• Do not label. For example, labeling someone “neurotic/crazy/lazy/boring/depressing” doesn’t ever help.
• When alcohol is involved, agree to make no attempt at conflict resolution until alcohol is out of the picture.
• No ambushing allowed. That means that you do not attack or launch into an argument as soon as they walk in the door.  It is far better to schedule a time to talk, preferably when you are not over-tired or super stressed.
• Do not involve others in your argument. Fighting is an intimate process and as such, is best done when it is only you two. Involving others makes everyone uncomfortable. Keep family and friends out of it. But if you happen to fight in front of your children, make sure they also get to see you come to a healthy resolution.
• Do not generalize. Avoid “always” and “never”.
• Do not confuse the topic with the issue. If you keep fighting over different things but the fights always lead back to the same issue, that is where the work needs to be done.
• Do not kitchen sink. Kitchen sinking is a combative strategy where you throw all of the complaints you have about your partner at them at one time. Stick to the present and to one issue at a time.
• Do not make believe. Inventing or exaggerating a complaint will prevent any real issue from being resolved.
• Do not hit below the belt. Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates anger, distrust and hurt.
• Do not stockpile. Storing grievances and hurt is counterproductive. Deal with issues as they arise.
• Do not downplay an issue. It only takes one person believing there is an issue to give you one.  Let your partner know you hear them and understand. An ignored issue does not go away but tends to fester.  Sometimes all it takes is validation, like, “I hear you and I know it is important to you but I don’t know what to do about it.”
• Do not use violence or the threat of violence. It is never acceptable. And that includes the threat of violence against yourself, such as, “If you break up with me, I will commit suicide.”
• Do not accuse. When you accuse, it leads others to focus on defending themselves rather than on understanding you. It is better to talk specifically about how an action made you feel.
• Do not clam up and refuse to engage. Positive progress can only happen with two way communication.  If you feel overwhelmed, take a break and come back to it later.
• If you screw up and violate one of these rules, apologize and don’t do it again!

And hug it out every chance you get! Hugs of 7 seconds and longer can release all sorts of good chemicals in your body!