When Cole was a teeny human nugget, she had a marvelous pre-school teacher named Cilla who had a grown daughter working as a dolphin trainer in Florida. Cilla captivated the kids with a video of Beverly (said dolphin trainer) in action. No one was quite as into it as Cole. So for the next 2 years, she would not answer to “Cole” any longer; she would only respond if you called her “Beverly”. She would get up EVERY SINGLE MORNING and put on the same bathing suit and look for opportunities to “train” her sister, Carter, as her dolphin. When a 2 year old decides to become someone else it is pretty funny and entirely normal; when a 55 year old decides to become someone else they call her a schizophrenic.
But this blog is not about becoming someone else. It is me trying to be unapologetically myself. As I was nervously preparing to publish the blog, a close friend said, “You know, you don’t have to publish it as yourself.” Her 20-something daughter has a successful blog under a nom-de-plume (a fake name). And if I were 20-something and was blogging, I think that is simply brilliant. You can be creative or outrageous if you so choose and not get any blowback into your personal life. By publishing under another name she is protected from any ugliness.Who really wants ugliness in their life? But that which protects from pain also protects you from pleasure. As a 55 year old woman seeking to grow her authentic connections, I feel pretty committed to just being me on this blog. But that makes it all the scarier if someone does not like what you are putting out into the world. But I am choosing to believe that if I stay authentic, I will reap the rewards with deeper connections within my community, within my friends and my family.
Dr. Brene Brown researches, writes and lectures on living with whole hearted authenticity. Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and she has spent the last two decades studying courage, vulnerability, empathy, and shame. She has one of the most watched TED talks of all time and is the author of 5 books which is where I found her. The Gifts of Imperfection was an eye-opening delve into what living with whole hearted authenticity is. Brown asserts that being vulnerable is the key to having meaningful human interactions and that same vulnerability opens the door to greater intimacy. But she also stresses that authenticity is a practice and it is a practice I am embracing right now. Brown outlines 10 qualities of people who are whole hearted authentic and these are the guidelines I am trying to follow. I will outline them below and add my own commentary. These are life-changing!
- Cultivate authenticity by letting go of what other’s think. This one is tough for me. Being afraid of not being good enough was a real stumbling block for me as I contemplated starting this blog. Ultimately, I needed to decide to do my best, put myself out there, and realize that people may not like what I am doing but be willing to do it anyway. I love Brown’s words on this topic, “Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice–a conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
- Cultivate self-compassion by letting go of perfectionism. Perfectionism is the fear that the world will see you as you are and not like you. And perfectionism is not the same thing as trying to be your best self. Ultimately, perfectionism is the belief that if we act perfect, look perfect, and live perfect, we can shield ourselves from blame, judgment and shame. Perfectionism is not a problem for me but not being very self-compassionate is. Apparently I am not alone. I recently went to a book launch for Slay Like a Mother: How to Destroy What’s Holding You Back so You Can Live the Life You Want by Katherine Wintsch. Wintsch spoke and as an exercise, she asked the audience to write down the nastiest thing you had said to yourself in the last 24 hours. Then, she asked us to turn to the person sitting next to you and read what you wrote. My oldest daughter, Carter, was sitting next to me and I was absolutely mortified to read out loud to her what I had written; so mortified that all I could do was cry. I did not want to admit to her that I actually said things like that to myself. That exercise alone made me realize that self-talk matters and I need to work a lot harder on self-compassion. And I need to cultivate the courage to be imperfect.
- Cultivate a resilient spirit by letting go of numbing and powerlessness. And yes, Brown is addressing alcohol and drugs as numbing agents. I struggle with this one! A huge part of our social culture is steeped in alcohol. So I have no answers here but I have started to look for ways to socially connect that do not involve alcohol. As for drugs, they are not my particular poison but if they are yours, you should probably look hard at that too. One important point that Brown makes is “there’s no such thing as selective emotional numbing. There is a full spectrum of human emotions and when we numb the dark, we numb the light.”
- Cultivate joy and gratitude. I started a gratitude practice a while back and I can tell you that it is a subtle mind shift that has you scanning for things to be grateful for and makes you take note of the positive. Writing down things you are grateful for forces you to remember them and doubles the pleasure. Brown points out that there is no possibility of joy without gratitude.
- Cultivate intuition and faith by letting go of the need for certainty. I love certainty and I am instantly suspicious of intuition. Brown talks about “what silences our intuitive voice is our need for certainty.” When I am doubting my intuition, and feeling vulnerable about making a decision, I usually survey everyone I know by asking what they think, if I should do it, and what would they do? Brown also discusses faith in a way that is not the traditional definition, “Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”
- Cultivate creativity by letting go of comparison. This one really spoke to me and was one of the things that made me decide to push ahead and make this blog. Brown asserts, “Unused creativity is not benign. It becomes grief, rage, shame and sorrow.” I know I am a better person when I have a creative outlet. Her point is that we are all creative beings and we do not need to be good at it. But we absolutely NEED to have creative outlets! Consider holding space for your creativity. If you do not hold time to be creative, it will never happen.
- Cultivate play and rest. Play is underrated in its importance. It is defined as time spent without purpose. Play helps us foster empathy, shapes our brain, and helps us navigate complex social groups. And apparently “play is as essential to our health and functioning as rest,” Brown points out. But we live in a world in which exhaustion is a status symbol of hard work. We need to let that go and cultivate sleep and play together as a part of a well balanced, whole hearted life .
- Cultivate Calm and Stillness by letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle. Committing to calm is to acknowledge anxiety but not letting it rule you. Calm allows us to gain perspective while managing emotional reactivity. I think being a calm parent is incredibly important. By maintaining your calm, your kids feel like you are more accessible AND when they are feeling panicky about some situation, if you practice calm, your child will be willing to come to you. Panic begets panic, so if they are feeling out of control, they are not likely to go to a parent who feeds into an anxious situation. Calm for me is relatively easy; stillness is not. Brown describes, “Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating a clearing. It’s opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question.” I guess it is no wonder that stillness is a challenge in our anxiety-fueled world.
- Cultivate Meaningful Work by Letting go of Self-Doubt and Supposed-to’s. This means that I need to find my gifts and talents and share them with the world because it creates meaning and purpose in my life. Those gifts and talents may not be what I use to earn a living but NOT using those gifts brings distress to our lives. Self-doubt undermines the process of finding our gifts and sharing them. Brown suggests writing down your doubts in order to help conquer them. Theologian Howard Thurman says it beautifully, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
- Cultivate Laughter, Song and Dance by Letting go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”. I think this should be easy because I love to laugh, sing and dance. But I have a gremlin on my shoulder sometimes that reminds me that I snort if I laugh too authentically; I am not very good at staying in tune; although I love to dance I am hardly talented and sometimes, I am downright spastic. So how do we hold space for these sacred, healthy rituals in our lives and allow ourselves to be uncool enough to just laugh, sing and dance with abandon? We give ourselves permission to be uncool and by doing so, we give permission to everyone else around us to do the same.
In closing, meaningful change is a process. But I think these 10 principles can guide me towards greater acceptance of myself as a messy, imperfect, grace filled, joyful person who is okay. I am okay. And I am choosing to love and live with whole hearted authenticity.