When Carter was in high school she would leave the house every morning after breakfast, with her lunch dutifully packed by me. At some point either before or after sports practice, I would get the dreaded phone call of “What’s for dinner?” Shoot, sometimes she asked before heading out the door in the morning! Even worse than that were those calls, was the slightly panicked call of “Is dinner ready?” Those were the days when she was running on fumes and if the answer was “no”, tears were likely not far behind. Gotta be honest, most nights dinner WAS ready because the price was way too high (in drama) if it wasn’t ready.
And while I can tell you that I did not particularly enjoy the sheer grind of making dinner every night, I think family dinner is one of the best things I do, for myself and for my family. I have always highly valued the way it helps us reconnect as a family. It held (and holds) a space for us to hear about each other’s highlights of the day when we share “Interesting Things.” That tradition came from my own childhood where everyone at the table has to share the best part of their day. Even if you had a HORRIBLE day, you had to find some glimmer of goodness to share. Since the kids have gotten older we have made occasional forays into “Pows and Wows” where you share the high point and low point in your day. And we have even tried “Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud” recently where you say 2 positive things (rose, rose), one negative thing (thorn), and one thing you are looking forward to (bud). It started as a forced opportunity to share but it has ended up part of a gratitude practice and helps us see what the other family members are focused on and what they value.
TheFamilyDinnerProject.org has studies showing that children who regularly eat with their families have better academic performance. Kids who eat with their family an average of 5-7 times a week are twice as likely to get As on their report cards than the children who eat with their family less than 2 times a week. They also say it correlates to higher self-esteem, a greater sense of resilience, lower risk of substance abuse, and lower rate of teen pregnancy. Those fortunate kids also are less likely to develop eating disorders and lower risk of depression. All of these incentives are compelling, but they are definitely NOT my main motivation for making sure my family gathers around the table as frequently as possible. Simply put, I want time to connect with them. If preparing a meal is the ticket that it takes to get them to stop, sit down with me and share part of their day or their life, it is a ticket I am willing to buy, time and time again. And it does not hurt at all that I get to control the menu so they are far more apt to ingest some vegetables or fruits or try new foods than they would be if they were going through Burger King drive-thru.
Even as the palates got more sophisticated and the table got bigger, an added bonus appeared. They would bring home friends to eat with us. Feed them and in return, you get to hear about their day and get to know the people significant in their lives. It definitely adds to the grocery bill but if you can bear the expense, it is worth it. Cole’s close friend, Sydney, used to write what she wanted on our grocery list. Usually done with humor, I still made sure to get whatever she asked for because I wanted them to come to our house. We had some pretty epic dance parties in the kitchen and dining room. There were also times where they would descend on the house and you felt like you had just been invaded by a hoard of locusts. They would swarm in, eat everything in sight and leave again just as quickly, off to do homework and play out the small (and sometimes large) dramas in their lives. But regardless of how long the interlude would last, I would hear all kinds of things that gave me a small window on their world and helped me to understand their concerns, their priorities, and their triumphs. Sometimes that small window is the only glimpse you get!
Now they are mainly gone from home, either working or at college, but when they return for a while, I still rely on the dinner table to bring us all back together. We are far more adventuresome now, even debating the pros and cons of eating Whole 30 or keto or vegetarian and trying them all (more on this later). But regardless of the cuisine, we still share our “Interesting Things”, sometimes bicker, and almost always fight about whose turn it is to clean up. The reality is, it is not about the food. The food is only important in how it sustains us and how it gathers us back together night after night. Good food makes them more excited to reach the table but a box of Domino’s and paper plates can do the trick too. The connection is the good stuff.