Why We Need Each Other

I know that I could use a hug right about now. And I know I am not the only one! The social distancing guidelines and stay-at-home orders are exacerbating a problem that was already pretty rampant. According to Harvard Business Review, 40% of US adults report that they feel lonely. So I went searching for information on loneliness (which dovetails incredibly nicely with the research on happiness). Dr. Vivek Murthy, who serves as the US Surgeon General from 2014-2017 has written a fascinating book on loneliness that is ironically called Together. Officially it is Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World.

In his book he describes loneliness as the gap in the connections you need and the social connections that you have which all makes sense but is it really that simple? It helped me a lot when he broke it down some in his book. “Researchers have identified three dimensions of loneliness to reflect the particular types of relationships that are missing.  Intimate or emotional loneliness is the longing for a close confidante or intimate partner, someone with whom you share a deep, mutual bond of affection or trust. Relational or social loneliness is the yearning for quality friendships and social companionship and support. Collective loneliness is the hunger for a network or community of people who share your sense of purpose or interests. These three dimensions together reflect the full range of high quality social connections that humans need in order to thrive.” That bears repeating: we need all three of these types of connections as humans to thrive!

I have an amazing husband and we share a deep and abiding connection and belief in one another. I have four great kids with whom I am in close contact and to whom I feel very connected. During Coronavirus, we are quite literally in CONSTANT contact as we are almost all living under the same roof 24/7. So, is it possible that I feel lonely? Well, the answer is absolutely YES. I miss my friends from pilates and from the tennis court. I want to see M’s face when I ask how her mother is doing with congestive heart failure to make sure she is not really hurting. I miss Carlos from the grocery store check out and want to know that with all his exposure he is alright.  I really would like to give A and L a big hug and tell them how sorry I am that their dad is going into hospice care. I want to take dinner to the cute family on the corner to congratulate them on their new baby, Drew. I really wanted to fly to spend the weekend with my aging parents in Florida to get a real idea of what is going on with them. And quite frankly, even though I can do almost all of these things over text or email or zoom (except the hugs and those are the best) and I am in regular contact with hoards of people, it does not feel the same as regular face-to-face interaction. And it makes me feel better to know that the research says that not only do we need each other, but we are actually essential for one another’s well being.

And I think knowing the three types of connection is super important. If you do not understand the different kinds of connection you need, it could lead poor John (my husband) to surmise that he is failing me in some way. It could lead him to conclude that I must not be as fulfilled by our intimate connection as he is or the connection is in some way deficit or I could not possibly be lonely.  So understanding I am missing my OTHER connectivity is really vital. And just to be clear, we need all three dimensions in order to nourish us properly as humans.

Loneliness is a topic people do not really want to talk about in association with themselves. Apparently there is a deep stigma and shame with admitting to being lonely so we really do not want to admit it to ourselves and definitely not to others! We associate loneliness with being broken in some way and perhaps being unlikeable.  So instead of getting in touch with what we are actually feeling, it frequently manifests itself as social withdrawal, anger, irritability, and in extremes, it can be a contributing factor in substance abuse, addiction, and violence. That’s pretty heavy stuff that comes out of not admitting we are lonely and searching for greater connections in the three key areas!

But I will give you even greater incentive to get off the couch and make some friends or find a community or find someone to love. Being lonely is in short, really, really bad for our health.  After analyzing 5 years of meta-analysis (which is taking a lot of different research from tons of valid and reliable research studies), in Together they “concluded that loneliness gives you a higher risk of early death. A growing number of research papers found loneliness is associated with a higher risk of coronary heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety. Studies were also suggesting that lonely people were more likely to have lower quality sleep, more immune system dysfunction, more impulsive behavior and impaired judgment.”

So, okay, a lot of us are lonely. And no one can really control this pandemic. But here are some suggestions of things we can work on during this Great Pause that Dr. Murthy (in Dr. Brene Brown’s podcast called Unlocking Us with Dr Murthy on 4.21.2020) believes will help us find greater connectedness. His suggestions are pretty straight forward but maybe not so easy. His first suggestion is “to understand your worth and value. That gives you permission to be yourself, and not try to be someone you are not.” His second suggestion is “being grounded”. He believes that the world is a chaotic place so if you can approach someone from a place of peace with yourself & one in which you know your worth, you can make more authentic connections. Dr Murthy says, ” Approaching people for a genuine connection” is very different from approaching people for “a sense of validation.”   In short, I think we simply have to find ways to genuinely connect with one another. 

In Together, Dr Murthy sums it up beautifully, “Creating a connected life begins with the decisions we make in our day-to-day lives. Do we choose to make time for people? Do we show up as our true selves? Do we seek out others with kindness, recognizing the power of service to bring us together? This work isn’t always easy. It requires courage. The courage to be vulnerable, to take a chance on others, to believe in ourselves. But as we build connected lives, we make it possible to build a connected world.” A world in which maybe, just maybe, we are happier, healthier, and a whole lot less lonely.