Launching to College…

“A wise woman once said to me that there are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these she said is roots, the other, wings.” William Hodding Carter

Having four children who have left to go to college, I should be an expert by now at what is required to successfully launch them and how to weather the personal storm that inevitably comes with that very material change in the family structure. I am definitely NOT an expert but I can share with you what I learned so you can short circuit your own learning curve.

Before Carter left to go to college, I cried for two full years. It was like a party trick. We would be driving somewhere with a small hoard of kids in the car and one of mine would pipe up and say, “Wanna see my mom cry? All I have to do is mention Carter going to college…” I will forgo addressing the lack of empathy there but I will say, I was a mess. I loved having a bustling, busy house full of kids and I loved having them and their friends around with all the mess, cartloads of food and noise it entailed.  I loved it so much I really did not want it to change. And because my kids were born in the span of 5 years, I also realized that once the first one left, the others were not far behind. But I did want them to go to college and make the kind of friendships I made, experience the kind of growth I experienced, and discover more of what they felt passionate about outside of the family. I needed to get out of their way and embrace that life would be different and the changes might be rough in the short term, but believe that life would be beautiful again.

So these are my tips:

• When it is time to say the actual goodbye, do it and leave. Prolonging the goodbye is just super painful for everyone…and at this point, it is not about you. Do everything you need to do, get what you need to get, but when it is time, a tight squeeze, a quick kiss and “I love you” and get the hell out of dodge. If you need to pull over in the next parking lot and cry for 10 minutes or half a year, do that out of sight of your new college student.
• The adjustment is simply hard…on everyone. Everyone misses the status quo. Some will miss the role that the new college student played but everyone has to figure out their new “role” in the family. All of the kids resented the extra time and attention I had the time & opportunity to pay to them, until they want my undivided attention and then they thought it was cool. And the one at college must realize that you mean no disrespect, but your life will have to go on, including serving family favorite foods when they are eating slop from the dining hall.
• Trust that they are fully capable of finding the answer. John was furious that I had not shown Carter how to use a vacuum. I trusted that she knew how to read and could search almost anything on YouTube to teach herself. And if they cannot find the answer, I promise they will hunt you down to help.
• Do the best you can with preparing them and buying the things they need. If possible, buy as little as is necessary beforehand and leave room in the budget for things they will learn they need. I bought Carter a full college wardrobe for fall only for her to discover that that’s not really what people wore at her school…for the most part, it was far less clothing and much less conservative than what we had purchased. It was a waste of money. I wish we had bought essentials and left money for her to shop online and get what she would actually need and want.
• The little moments sneak up on you and ambush from behind. I would be doing fantastic and then I would be crying because I missed seeing what Carter was wearing to class that day.
• Resist being the new college student’s crutch. It feels great when they call you between class but if they are talking to you, they are not smiling and speaking to the person that could become a close friend.
• Resist the urge to redecorate. They want to come home to what they think of as their home, not a newly remodeled guest room.
• Birthdays are hard before you are well established at college. Send them with a pile of inexpensive birthday cards, a box of streamers, and some balloons. Hopefully they can help make someone else’s day special and make some friends in the process.
• When your new student turns 18, they are a legal adult and you are no longer able to see their grades unless they give you permission. The sooner they give permission, the less you have to fight about it.
• Recommend that they get off social media for the first month of college. Everyone posts their highlight reel and if your reality is having no one to eat with for the first month, it feels like you are suffering alone. If you can get them to knock on the dorm room next door to see if their neighbor wants to eat with them, everyone wins.
• It is okay to eat alone.
• One of the very best ways to meet people without cocktails is at the gym. Go work out!
• Some schools are better at integrating new students than others. Some kids are simply more extroverted or more resilient or better at making friends. Some kids go to a school where half of their high school is. This adjustment is NOT a contest! And quite frankly, after speaking with some parents, I had the occasion to speak with their children and they admitted to being homesick and scared and lonely at first too. I would venture to say (and my kids agree with me), that 100% of new college students get homesick their first semester. How they navigate the homesickness is the difference maker.
• Schedule phone calls (and be okay with them re-scheduling if a connection opportunity comes up) and try to let them initiate the calling times to take advantage of any opportunity to meet people. Remain flexible. FaceTime is also a great tool to have a more “real” conversation feel.
• Access to my Amazon Prime Account was a lifesaver. They needed to ask me for an okay before they ordered, but they were respectful and it eliminated me as the middle man which I appreciated.
• One note: At most colleges, mail no longer comes to each dorm. So, BEFORE YOU LEAVE CAMPUS, insist that you find where the mail comes in and walk there with your student from their dorm. Find out their hours and get them to add it to the Notes section in their phone. If they ship big things to themselves they need to get friends to help because they have no way of transporting them from the mail hub.
• If you send them far away, just know ahead of time, there are additional expenses involved. Period. No way around it.
• If you can finagle it, send an air purifier if they have any breathing issues. Most dorms are old and the air is not clean or healthy. Cole’s asthma went haywire before we wised up.
• Find the pharmacy near them that delivers, especially if they do not have a car. But even if they do have a car, find that pharmacy! Freshman parking spaces are usually ridiculously far away and if they are really sick, having a pharmacy deliver is a Godsend.
• When you are getting your final pre-college check-up, ask if the pediatrician would be willing to be contacted by text or phone by the student. University Health facilities are incredible at diagnosing STDs and uncovering unplanned pregnancies, and not so good at sinus infections, or pneumonia, or diagnosing lots of other common ailments. They also do not have the same history with knowing what drugs work well for your child like your own pediatrician. Be willing to pay any fees associated with your child contacting your trusted advisor, the pediatrician you chose to help them get to college age.
• It is okay to transfer to a different school if the first one you chose is not what you thought it would be or is not meeting your needs, but GIVE IT A CHANCE!…and that probably means give it a year with an open mind.
• Insist on communication, even if it is not as frequent as you would like. Schedule time to call or text. Make them hold space to talk to family. There were times when I had to “forget” to deposit any money into their account until he could remember to call.
• If the family at home can gather to talk on FaceTime or on speaker phone, it is a lot more efficient for the student. Nothing irritated my boys more than having to repeat the same story 5 times in phone calls with each individual family member.
• If your child is on an ADD drug or on any prescription medicine that they rely on to stay healthy, send them with a lockable fire proof box to secure them. These drugs have a tendency to disappear unless they have a way to keep them safe.
• The people you meet at Orientation are not likely to become your best friends and that’s okay.
• Emphasize Brandon Harrell’s 3 simple rules: 1. Go to Class  2. Get Involved 3. Think for Yourself.
• Even though it sounds like preparation for summer camp, write their name in permanent marker in EVERYTHING so if he happens to see a friend with his shirt on, he can at least prove that it is his. After he made 3 blue blazers disappear, I swore I was only buying him replacement blazers at Goodwill and I have stuck to that resolution. Ironically, he now LOVES to shop at Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc.
• Time management is a really crucial skill.
• In Travis’ words, “the transition to college is harder than anyone is willing to admit, even to your closest friends or roommate.” They are not failing in some way or destined to hate it if the transition is tough. It is tough for pretty much everyone!

In closing, I am attaching 2 recent articles that I thought were particularly good. Go read them too…and if you like what you see at Random Dose of Robin, tell your friends and neighbors to join in!

And as a bonus, here are 3 really good articles:

https://grownandflown.com/college-move-in-day-12-things-save-life/?utm_source=Grown+%26+Flown+Email+Subscription&utm_campaign=f34419b815-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2020_07_05_01_16&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_fc15798a65-f34419b815-246906905

https://grownandflown.com/mantras-college-students-remind-teen-before-leaving-home/

https://grownandflown.com/freshman-needs-do-before-leaving-home/