Saying I Am Sorry, Part 1

I had been an empty nester and slowly but surely, my nest has filled back up. And I love the fullness of it but I had perhaps forgotten the constant flow of a big, opinionated family. Until the pandemic marooned us all together, I had forgotten the constant negotiations, the never-ending suggestions, the supposedly good natured teasing that has a bite. And perhaps I had also forgotten that I am nicer and easier to get along with when I have a little space to myself. A bit of downtime. But there is no such thing as privacy or downtime in a house bursting with 7 adults living in it, 6 of whom are trying to work from home and 1 trying to do his college coursework. And I have been really reminded that as perfectly imperfect humans, we will always need the words, “I am sorry”.  If we learn to apologize well, we can foster better understanding and better relationships.  If we do not apologize or do not apologize well, relationships suffer and sometimes, end. So I did what I usually do and decided to read about it. Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner is a culmination of two decades of studying the healing power of a heartfelt apology and the damaging wreckage left in the wake of a poor one.

So, Lerner is able to break down nine essential components of a heartfelt apology for us. I need to commit these to memory.

1. A true apology does not include the word “but”. Whatever follows the “but” is a criticism, a justification or an excuse. It does not matter if what you say after the “but” is true; it cancels out the apology. So when I lash out at John and haphazardly apologize by saying, “I am sorry I yelled at you but I was exhausted and overwhelmed.” That qualifies as a non-apology because I excused my own behavior after the “but” by saying I was exhausted and overwhelmed. It does not matter that it was true that I was tired and overwrought. I needed to stop at “I am sorry I yelled at you.”
2.  A good apology keeps the focus on your actions and not the other person’s response. So when one of my girls does a not-so-flattering imitation of me accidentally dialing 911 on my cell phone and I get offended, she would be better off saying, “I am sorry for teasing you” rather than, “I am sorry my teasing embarrassed you. I did not realize you were so sensitive.”
3. A real apology features an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation. When I take the dog in John’s car and get it filthy, it is not enough to say, “I am sorry I got your car dirty.”  I need to add, “I am taking it to vacuum it out”, and of course, I need to do it promptly. When Travis borrows my brand new (to me) car and leaves the sun roof open all night and there are severe thunderstorms overnight, he needs to say, “I am sorry I forgot to close the sun roof. I will go out there right now with towels and dry it off and then research what else will help.”  He needs to take decisive action to make the apology seem genuine.
4. A true apology does not over-do it. Constant apologizing for stupid stuff is one way to hijack an apology. Do not apologize the same way for playing poorly in a tennis match as you would if you ran over someone’s beloved dog. Another way to over do it is when you overstate your apology so much that the person receiving the apology ends up having to comfort the apologizer. Say a sincere apology and leave it at that!
5. A sincere apology does not get caught up in whose more to blame or who started it. You should apologize for your part in it even if the other person cannot see their part in it. This one is a really hard one for me! When I am cranky with one of the kids and they lash back out at me, I need to apologize for my part of the equation, EVEN if my provocation is only 5% of what went down later. I need to appeal to my best self in this sort of situation to not demand an apology back for their part.
6. An effective apology requires that you do your best to not have a repeat performance. Growing up, I was always required to apologize and then add, “I will not let it happen again.”
7. A true apology should not serve to silence another person. This is a big one. So when someone says, “I have apologized to you ten times and you still keep bringing it up. Are you going to punish me forever?”  That is not a good apology because it was given to silence the hurt party on that subject. You can apologize but you need to allow them to talk about it until they have worked through the situation. And you simply cannot apologize to stop another person from working through their hurt feelings, regardless of how inconvenient or irritating the discussion is or how long it continues.
8. A real apology should not be offered if it is only to make you feel better if it risks making the injured party feel worse.  So if the injured party is not ready to hear you or accept your apology, it is not respectful or appropriate to give one just so you can feel better.
9. The best apology does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive them. It is not a bargaining tool! You need to give the other person the time and the grace to process the apology. The hope is that the apology will de-intensify things enough to find a way to move forward in the relationship. One of the most hurtful things I have ever said to another human being was “I just wish that once you would positively surprise me.”  I won’t go into details cause I am not proud of what I said but I needed to deliver a heartfelt apology for my nasty comment and give the person several weeks before she was willing to even entertain the idea of continuing our friendship. And I had to wait for her to reach out to me. It was a painful, but necessary process.

Hopefully you are much less imperfect than I and do not need the primer or reminder of what constitutes a sincere apology. But, as I spend more time in isolation with my loved ones, I suspect I might have the needed time to perfect my apology and I seem to be getting plenty of practice. So, maybe, just maybe, you would like to join me on my quest to get better at building a bridge instead of burning it down. And perhaps we can end this pandemic with much stronger, healthier relationships than when we started, even when we are tired and grumpy and wholly imperfect.

Saying I Am Sorry, Part 1